I love to learn. While reading and working on my “why” and values, I realized that while I had been helping others grow, I had forgotten to grow myself. I had given up riding and singing. I had neglected to nurture my spark — something that brought joy and fulfillment just to me. I needed to find something just for myself.
Learning itself is a skill. I’ve taken the occasional 1- or 2-day courses and the Executive Leadership course in 2016, which was weeklong. I knew taking university courses would take a different mindset to ensure I took full advantage of the courses while keeping the long-term plan of boosting my personal and professional life. I had not taken a course that required project submissions and grading in a long time. I was out of practice and admittedly was experiencing anxiety about going back to school. I remember my plummet from high 80% to 56.6% average in my first semester. Learning to learn was a struggle when things had always come naturally to me, and my ability to memorize, recall and picture the page I had written notes. The truth is few adults have been trained in the skills and mindset needed to be effective learners.
I’m not saying that in the time since I graduated from university, I have not learned anything. I have learned lots. Some topics come quicker and easier than others. I can listen to a webinar, attend a seminar or course on infection prevention, leadership, marketing, blogging etc. or read an article or content and will retain virtually everything without much effort and will be able to recall the information years later. Accounting, Finance, and IT-based topics are entirely different. It’s not that I am incapable, but I have come to realize that I learn entirely differently for these topics. These subjects I am a visual and kinesthetic learner where; I need to see images and need to learn hands-on by doing and being shown how concepts link together. I, unfortunately, did not realize this until about 5 years ago, but it certainly explains the discrepancy in my grades at university! Before working with my executive coach in 2016, I would have described myself as an intentional learner. I thrived on learning. If I wasn’t learning something, I became bored. Learning was not really work for me and was not perceived as extra effort. I needed to learn like an alcoholic needs a drink. I have been told I can be disruptive in meetings. I don’t always mean to be, but in my quest to learn, I ask a lot of questions. Not everyone appreciates being pestered with questions. I had never thought it was disruptive, but once I realized that it could be, I now take copious notes and will follow up either by email or set meetings to discuss the questions I had based on the content presented.
In working with my executive coach and realizing I had a block, I think that was when I realized that mentally something was wrong. Something impacted my ability to understand, adopt and implement some of the concepts we were working on. In hindsight, I now recognize that what I was feeling was anxiety. I work so hard to please people I could not see the forest for the trees. I thought I was being helpful, that I was anticipating potential risks, asking the “what if” questions to confirm that we had thought through every possible problem that could arise. I was methodical in my thinking and would take nothing less than perfection in the work I produced. The pitfall of this is that you may miss deadlines or not be as productive as you take a relatively simple task and blow it out of proportion. I now understand this is a function of my anxiety and deep seeded concerns with not pleasing people and feeling like I do not fit in or don’t belong.
Working with Hellen helped me understand how my anxiety impacted my everyday life and how my rigid belief that I was being judged in all that I did was because I suffered from social anxiety, with a twist. While I felt that I was being judged and did not like to make mistakes, I loved performing and sharing my knowledge. I needed to learn how to go with the flow, just as I did when speaking and got tongue-tied or realized I had just said something with horrible grammar and mocked myself for it. We started working on strategies to release or remove my expectations of being perfect. I needed to understand and be comfortable that failures and mistakes are not signs of my intellect but rather tools that help me develop and perfect a new skill. I realized that this sounded a lot like the work I had been doing with my son. He had been taught about the concept of a growth mindset. It was almost comical that what I do in supporting, mentoring, and educating my son or those that report to me where we learn from mistakes and work through better ways to approach a problem is not something I allow myself to practice. I will say it is liberating when you start allowing yourself to approach learning in this fashion.
In looking at how I learned and where I would start to become overly anxious, I realized that it was easy when I was learning something that I had a passion for. I also realized that I was less concerned with making mistakes because I rarely did. I have always been curious and never happy with the status quo or becoming a specialist in a single area. Curiosity supports learning because you are inquisitive and have an intrinsic desire to learn. This curiosity can inspire you to want to learn and step outside of your box and comfort zone.
As the pieces started to come together in typical fashion, I wanted to jump into something big — something that would stretch my limits and allow me to practice my growth mindset. Hellen was more practical. She reminded me what brought me to her first and suggested I start with baby steps to avoid putting me into a full-blown anxiety attack. Since learning about topics, I had a passion for was easier and brought me less stress, Hellen suggested that perhaps I start there. Find my passion and focus on developing new skills that I could immediately put into practice. As I spoke about in my fifth blog — I am brave and courageous — I decided to I would first tap back into my creative side. Creativity is one of my values. Entertaining, connecting and engaging with others inspires and fulfills my need to communicate and educate. I have now completed a certificate in Multimedia Journalism and am well on my way to a certificate in Multimedia Storytelling and Copywriting, Advanced Marketing, and Creative Writing. I still may stress out about deadlines and absolutely prefer independent to group projects. I have, however, enjoyed every class, meeting new people and brainstorming or collaborating with them in our singular quest to improve our writing and storytelling.
Originally published on January 11, 2021 (https://girlintheredhatblog.wordpress.com/)
If you are struggling with your mental health, please know that you are not alone. Here are some resources to help you on your road to recovery.
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