One downside of anxiety and depression is if you are being given sage advice, you may not hear it or not understand its importance. When I worked with my executive coach, Jenny, back in 2016 – 2017, she asked on more than one occasion if I was working with my tribe. In fact, it was after one such discussion that we did the exercise that led to “the girl in the red hat” memory. It was like déjà vu when I met with Hellen and, after our second or third session, asked me the same question Jenny had. Now that I was taking steps to better manage my mental health and get to the bottom of why I feel “less than,” I could really hear the question, and was finally ready to start understanding it. The word “tribe” may have you picturing our North American history and the different First Nation tribes. Or you might look even farther back in the evolution of our species, which has always survived by working together in small groups or societies – not as individuals. Today, you may have several tribes: those you work with, those you live around, and even those you choose to spend time with (aka family and friends). The concept of a tribe is what we have in common — not what makes us different. Individualism has taken over today, or in what we think of as modern times. We tend to look out for ourselves first and see others in terms of what they can do for us instead of what we can do together.
Individualism can breed jealousy and distrust and reduce collaboration. And when competition between colleagues is promoted or fostered, the tribe disintegrates. A key aspect of a tribe is the need for its members to share common goals. In business, this may mean achieving goals such as revenue, expanding product portfolios and increasing reach and penetration. There also needs to be similarities in values among members. When everyone aligns, there is little friction, and everyone works together for the “greater good.” When values or priorities do not align or the tribe’s narrative changes, teams begin to dissolve, and some members defect and leave the tribe altogether. For those that remain, egos get in the way and focusing on independent success becomes the norm.
I have an ego that I do not deny. I am also competitive and dead set on achieving the high expectations I set for myself. As an empath, I also tend to sense the emotions of others and intuit outcomes with surprising accuracy. I remember Jenny describing me as an “intimidating marshmallow.” I certainly hold myself and others to high standards and expect my team to work hard and produce results — but I am also extremely compassionate, open to discussions, and focused on mentoring and nurturing those I work with. This juxtaposition can, as I’ve been told, complicate things when those I work with are developing a sense of trust in me.
As I spent more time talking with Hellen, I began to understand my core values were at the center of my discord. As the atmosphere changed to an individualistic one at work, there was a loss of compassion, empathy, and trust — and most times, a dialogue was a fight to get others to listen to a differing opinion. I reflected on the commentary from colleagues who felt I was not changing or willing to change as the company changed. I realized that was true – except for the part about unwillingness. I did try. But I kept coming up against a backlash effect. The more I changed my actions to mirror those of my male coworkers and failed to conform to gender norms, the more trouble I ran into. When I exhibited assertiveness, I was told to stop being so aggressive. If I publicly pointed out errors or ways to improve their leadership skills or areas of responsibility as they did to me, I would be hammered with more of my shortcomings. I had been told I needed to be more confident. Still, the more facts or support I used to debate or prove my point, the more I was “sanctioned” professionally and even shamed for exhibiting confidence without compassion.
It was not until I realized I needed to be authentic and true to my values that I began feeling more comfortable with myself. The more I tried to conform, the worse my anxiety got. This strengthened my resolve to be willing to dissent and fight not just for myself but for the employees for whom, as a leader, I was responsible. I was willing to fight for what I believed was right, even if it impacted my career.
コメント