My anxiety was controlling the conversation. I was creating an unhealthy narrative that replayed a loop that was neither real nor healthy. I began journaling and sharing with friends and family and even submitted some of the work as assignments for my creative writing class. Receiving feedback and hearing the perceptions of others helped me be more open and willing to talk about what I was going through. I realized everything was manageable with the support of my friends and family.
A turning point was feedback from a classmate who, as it turned out, was a retired therapist. In reading the submission that is now interspersed between the “Day 0” and “Acknowledging I had hit rock bottom” blog, she stated, “Perhaps Lucy is the problem. I can see how she gets into trouble, how her sensitivity, vulnerability and difficulty discerning what is happening with others get her wound up and challenged to deal with the conflict. I guess the question to consider is, is she the victim of a bunch of coworkers/bosses undercutting and betraying her or is she that dreaded person who represents the 20% that takes up 80% of management’s time?”
Reading this was like plunging into cold water. The air was pulled from my lungs. A kaleidoscope of memories flitted around in my head as I began to fully understand some of the comments or feedback I had received from teachers, managers, friends, family, and my executive coach. I realized; I was the problem. I am my problem.
As I continue my journey of healing and reclaiming the person I once was – no, the person I am meant to be – I understand I am a caretaker who wants to help those around me feel happy and content. When I am feeling low, I build a cocoon and retreat rather than reach out to those around me. I recall telling a friend I have since lost contact with that I was having difficulty socializing and just wanted to be a hermit. I was travelling for work at least two weeks a month, leaving me increasingly unavailable to my husband in more ways than one. I was exhausted — the thought of having to put on an act to be engaging and interact with others left me feeling constricted like a snake shedding its skin.
My friends (who have their own demons) cajoled and pushed me to open up and recognize that sharing my story allows me to heal. These are the same group of friends that when I had first met them, I had devised an escape plan to carry out in case I didn’t gel with them. The tricky part was that our introduction occurred at a girl’s weekend my best friend had planned at my cottage, and I ended up driving as I had the largest vehicle. They did not know about the escape plan until much later, but it is indicative of how I used to interact with the world.
Believing that I was the problem allowed me to reflect on the last five years and the conscious and subconscious ways I had changed. That wake-up call, along with therapy, has helped me learn I am not alone. It has also helped me uncover that I am not the problem. I lacked the ability to understand I was in a crisis. My lashing out, venting and aggression were a call for help. Having the tools to understand that now means using my friends and family as a sounding board provides a non-judgemental perspective I so desperately need. I do not need to suffer alone: sharing my thoughts and talking about what is making me anxious or impacting my mental health has helped improve my self-confidence and sense of belonging. It helps me digest what I have spoken about with my therapist and holds me accountable — friends have an amazing “BS” meter.
Building a community around you is important. Having a safe space for sharing stories is helping me to feel “normal.” I am not alone. I am no longer the problem now that I understand I have anxiety and how it impacts my life, especially in situations where I have not gained clarity on the expectations of me or my expectations of others. In fact, while I know that sometimes I need to be on my own to recharge, spending time with friends in person, online or via text is an important part of improving my mental health.
As I regained my confidence, I began opening up at work. As an executive, you often create a barrier between yourself and others. As a storyteller and person who loves to nurture and mentor, in sharing my struggles, I gained the confidence to embody the type of leader I want to be. Being my authentic self and sharing my issues with anxiety allows me to be true to my core values of creativity, compassion, trust, dialogue, and learning. But owning your authenticity comes with new challenges, and for me, a big one was facing the difference in leadership styles….
If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety, please know that you are not alone. Here are some resources you might find helpful.
Comments